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Personal Note - Thoughts in My Sleep

Monday, December 08, 2008 / Posted by Zackary /

In a strange land and I have twisted and turned, laughed and screamed, and tried to find my way. Who am I ask myself and sometimes there is silence in my head. There is rarely ever silence in my head. At this moment I can hear singer John Mellencamp, Chopin and the voice of an old friend. What I have lost and why I have lost it is clear to me but the future is as always a path I cannot see. Maybe I choose not to see it and don't want to set a route. Like driving on the highway with no destination in mind or walking just to enjoy walking.

I am haunted by two lines from the movie The Dead Poets Society. In the movie a professor quotes a line of poetry (Keats maybe) - "Show me a man unfretted by foolish dreams and I will show you a happy man." Robin Williams character who is also a professor makes up this line. "Only in their dreams have men been free. Thus has it been and thus shall it always be." In my heart I agree with the line about dreams. Big wonderful novels, long playing i-Pod mixes and hours of writing make me sane. Too often I have denied my gifts and wished to be an "unfretted" man.

Have you um seen a therapist Z? Of course I have and there is no shame in that. Now I know how to be healthy and a little wise but does it help me? I am not getting any younger and I live in a strange country whose culture I may never really understand. My friends and family live twelve hours in the past and the distance is something I can feel like rain on my glasses.

This is not as it might sound my path to despair. Most days I don't linger in the past and go over the decisions I've made until my head wants to explode. In April I did that to my breaking point and I don't wish that on anyone.

Being in a strange country is also exciting and I learn new things everyday. Japanese girls are the most beautiful girls in the world. I talk to my friends & family over the Internet and feeling their love is easy. Here in Nagoya I have several good friends and am trilled to be part of their lives. There are no house or car payments waiting in my mailbox. I am free to stay in Japan, go teach in Korea, move back to Chicago or try out New York city. Life is confusing and generally makes no sense to me but I am unbound by the things that keep many people from their dreams. For many people I realize that having a family and all the responsibilities is their dream and that is a wonderful thing.

I dream of being a professional writer & photographer and want to map out the future more to make that happen. But not too much because I live for the moments of each day and the joy they might bring. Being this free is not something I want to sustain for a long period but right now it is mine and I cherish it.

If none of this makes sense I do apologize. But I have to say I have rarely felt more clear and level headed in my life.

Thanks for listening. Again.

Peace & Understanding to You All,




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